Humans are essentially animals. There are differences. Rock and Roll music, the ability to build sailboats and the capacity to enjoy a Woody Allen movie. Some finches and several species of canines can enjoy Mr. Allen's films∗, but most scientists believe they are simply imitating the throaty guffaws of their human masters.

Another thing that humans have in difference with the animal kingdom is the abstract concept of property rights. Animals may be territorial, but we are the only species to draw up legally binding contracts for that territory. Of course, the law has no more intrinsic value than an animal's urine used as a marker to distinguish a piece of land as "under ownership." Perhaps we are not that different after all.

However, we must continue to pretend that we are different than animals in order for us to feel good about our society built on nothing more than a series of abstract and probably faulty concepts?But I digress.

Animals in the yard or in the garden can be quite a problem. We've discussed on this website how to humanely deal with snakes, deer, birds and mice, but there is a whole bevy of other exotic yard and garden pests that can cause rampant destruction in an urban habitat. Luckily, the University of Florida has a guide on how to deal with these creatures in a humane and respectable way. Much like a lawsuit in our culture.

Armadillo

Our little armored friends can dig up our gardens and put holes in our yard. Their constant digging, akin to that of Kevin Bacon in the movie Stir of Echoes, can ruin driveways and foundations. There are a couple methods of humane armadillo removal.

1. Armadillo prevention starts with your fence. If you live in an armadillo-laden area, a fence slanted outward at a 40 degree angle with a buried portion will deter some, but not all armadillos.

2. Get yourself a 10x12X32in live box trap. Obtain some earthworms. You can find them under rocks, in a worm composter at your local bait shop. Put some dirt and worms in the toe of a nylon stocking. This will lure the dillo into your trap.

Once captured, release the armadillo elsewhere far from highways. NOTE: Contact your local Humane Society or Fish and Game Commission before transporting any live animal.

Bats

Bats are scary to me. They carry the rabies real bad. Keeping them out of your house is not only good for the bat but good for the environment. Bats usually get into the house through slits in the walls. If bats are getting your home, that means cold air is getting into your house and your thermal envelope isn't sealed. Check your house for air leaks. Seal the leaks and you'll keep bats out.

If they get inside, you'll have to shoo them out or catch them gently in a butterfly or fishing net. Bats are fragile. Be careful.

Woodpeckers

Woodpeckers can damage your wood-clad house whilst looking for insects. They are easily dealt with. NOTE: Putting salt on a woodpecker's tail does nothing but make the woodpecker brackish.

1. A statuette of a hawk or an owl may drive the woodpecker(s) away. Supposedly, not the most effective method.

2. A layer of mesh nylon three inches from the siding can deter the birds.

3. Woodpeckers are unable to perch on smooth surfaces. A layer of plastic can be employed, and the troublesome woodpecker shan't be able to gain purchase.

Raccoons, Skunks and Opossums

These misfit creatures like to dig through your garbage like the paparazzi at Brangelina's house. Raccoons may even move into your chimney. So keep those chimneys capped.

1. Use heavy garbage cans with well-sealed lids. If those garbage bins are getting knocked over, tie them to a pole or clamp them to a building.

2. Make sure your foundation is sealed or these creatures will move in under your house. There is nothing worse than living above a family of skunks.

3. Catch-and-release is not preferred for these creatures, because they often live alongside the humans. Keeping the animals out of your garden may require a fence or the construction of a greenhouse.

4. Get a dog.

- This is a joke. It is unknown to me if animals can enjoy comedies about the angst of upscale East Coasters.